Suicide Strikes the Christian Community

The recent tragedy in the Warren's family is an event that struck many in the Christian community.  The well known author of "The Purpose Driven Life" and pastor lost his son secondary to suicide earlier this year after a long documented history of major depressive disorder with psychotic features.  Suicide is an event that transcends culture, religion, age and sex mainly because of  its uncharacteristic nature. According to data taken by the American Association of Suicidology, 38,364 people completed suicide in 2010; a number that is likely higher as some suicides are often arranged to appear as accidents. 

This tragedy brings up a topic that often gets ignored  until it is often too late in most Haitian churches. Discussion and education about depression and mental illness barely makes it to churches' front porch. Sadly when it does,  It is often depicted as  a "they" problem and not "you", "I" or "We" problem. The TRUTH:  most Haitian churches have a very limited  theology on the issue of depression and are not ready to acknowledge and deal with  people in the pews suffering with depression and/or suicidal ideations. The result is many folks in the pews suffers in silence and are unable to get the necessary support and resources. Events such as the Warren's family is a stern reminder that believers  living in a fallen/un-regenerated world are never immune to ailment such as depression and suicidal ideations.

As a professional who works in the field of mental health and human services, this event has reminded me of several realities. One of them is the amazing reality behind pain, suffering, brokenness and the degenerative effect of sin in the world.  It has alarmed me to the importance of exploring the issue of depression and mental illness in our churches; an issue that still remains  taboo in many congregation.   Many believe depression to be a sheer lack of spiritual prowess--a simply mind over matter.  In routine cases, those who suffer from depression or other forms of mental illness are often reminded and asked  to "man up", "get over it", "give it time", " pray about it"  and even view as "demon possessed".

One of the issues I observed is that Haitian christian communities are either solely"culturally informed" on  matters related to the mind or too "spiritual" and into Jesus to cope with real issues of the mind. This infiltrates their spiritual compass on taboo topics such as depression and suicide. The result is an inordinate  number of  Haitians in the  Christian community who are ill-advised of the genuine and debilitating effect of chronic /severe depression and mental illness. If you  believe Christians are immune to depression and/or suicide, I suggest   a comprehensive study on the doctrine of sin/the fall.  God has not supernaturally immune Christians to sufferings--NOT YET.  

Suicide is a  tragic and hurtful losses for families to cope with regardless of  faith.   The Christian community grieves with the Warren family  and  feelings of  guilt, shock and denial they might face. The absence of a life is a terrible loss to those closest to it regardless of the means by which it was taken.

Parents' Limitations: God-Centered vs Parent-Centered

Consider the biblical duty of parents toward their children. Parents are instructed to raise their children in the wisdom of the lord so that when they grow they do not depart from it. They are instructed to influence their character from birth in assuring that they understand biblical principles with the clear indication that children will eventually grow and parents' realm of influence will eventually diminish. This is not an easy job but the implication behind raising a child is clearly "God-centered" and not "parents' centered". Thus children are best raised by keeping this end in mind which is to raise children in the discipline of the Lord for God's glory and purpose.  This does not necessarily mean that children who are raised in such are bound to become flawless and God lovers.  Thus we see that devoted parents who bring up their children in Godly principles are not promised godly children.  The closest example to this is that of Lucifer revolting against God in heaven.  The amount of pastors and devoted believers in one family is not enough to raise a Godly child.

The limitation in parents' ability to influence their children is an idea that is often ignored and not fully explored.   Perhaps it is rooted in the general pride that most Haitian families assume in raising children. Or perhaps it is rooted in a culture that does not pride in admitting faults and limitations.  Families are taught early on to see their children as a mirror reflection and work very hard to assure children represent them well in deeds and actions.  Haitian culture provides a lot of incentive for parents to overcompensate their limitations by assuming full responsibilities for their children's growth and discipline. Parents are publicly praised and honored when their child achieve great success and are active in church even when some of the success is in spite of the parents' influence.  Conversely, there is no incentive in acknowledging parent's limitations and how it periodically increases as children age.  

Without a sincere grasp on this reality, most families  often become extremely frustrated, frazzled,  hopeless, depressed and feel a great sense of failure when they realize that their perceived influence on a child's life was a mere mirage and the child's sinful behavior is publicly exposed.  This often leads to physical, mental, spiritual and emotional disturbances. This sense of self-depreciation is often a result of immense disappointment in how one's family will be perceived in the community and not that a holy God has been offended.  It is rarely perceived as families' own limitation on the lives of children who are SINNERS.

Parents' limitation on their child is not merely an indication of parents need to depend on the Lord.  It is the indication that every child is the Lord's and children's obedience to God's standard is supremely more valuable than children's allegiance and obedience to parent/culture standards.  It is the realization that when devoted parents have done all in their power to influence their child in the knowledge of God; they still yet have to rely on a limitless God who can save and influence children bred in sin.  Limitations shouldn’t dismiss parents' responsibility to influence and discipline their child in the Lord; rather it should simply inform and dictate it by prioritizing children's obedience and growth in the love for God as the main priority in raising children. Parents' limitation is the incentive that should compel mothers and fathers to boast in their weaknesses/limitation; to surrender their children to the Lord above all things and quit raising a child to reflect and appease one's outlook in the community.  After all, aren’t all that is in heaven and earth the Lord's?

In hearing some of the topics discussed and reviewed by concerned parents during the February's weekend seminar, it's evident that families are seeking answers for their children.  Parents are concerned about their son turning into responsible men and their daughters becoming women of virtue and integrity.  It is helpful to consider that limited parents cannot and will never influence their children on their own. It is helpful to consider that only God can save and protect and that the earth is the Lord and all that is in it. In parents recognizing and coming to grip with their own limitations, the hope is that they will learn to rely more on God's ability to move their children.

Sondy C 

Lack of Fathering

Previously published Jan 10, 2013

My hope in writing this article is to bring some light and discussion into the topic of fathers and their relationship with their children. While it would have been fitting for this article to have been published in June, I realize that the topic is one that is timeless. In choosing to expound on the concerns that I have about church going fathers and their relationship with their families, I only wish to foster awareness and discussions on the matter of family—namely fathers and their God given role in their son’s lives. 

Often when the discussion of sons being raised without a father is brought up in a secular or biblical setting, it is generally assumed to be about single parent homes.  While this is the common understanding, I don’t believe the definition above truly defines and encompasses some of the core significance behind this dilemma.  The prime concern with the definition above is that it reduces fatherly duties to the simple act of being physically or financially present.  Embracing the definition above, fathers are prone to assume they are exempt and are fulfilling their fatherly calling base on the premise that they are physically present in the home despite being fundamentally absent from their fatherly duties. The dilemma of sons growing up without a father is much more involved than that.  Thus physical/financial presence is not a good measuring rod.

In our Haitian culture, fathers commonly take great pride in providing for their children.  They are generally intentional about assuring the physical wellbeing of their children. This is often listed as one of the strengths of most Haitian parents—especially in the school settings.  It is likely that one of you reading this article remember your parents telling you “I pay the bills, give you food and shelter. What more do you need?” This is an identified strength and is well appreciated among Haitian fathers.  However, a son’s character is not molded and shaped merely by a father who prides in his physical/financial availability to his son. Too often fathers neglect the moral, emotional and spiritual well being of their sons.  This indeed marks the dilemma of our churches today.

The moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons should not be left to probability or chance. Sons have a God’s given void/gap that God designed to be filled by their fathers. Hugging your 5 year old son, praying over him, taking the time to ask him about his day or taking him on a dad and son trip etc are small early gestures that resonates well with sons’ desire to feel close to their dad.  If there is an ever sounding cry in the heart of a son, it is his dire need for emotional and spiritual nourishment from his father.   It is not the duty of pastors or church leaders to shape the moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons that do not belong to them.   Being physically/financially committed to your sons is a means and not an end.  Your presence and financial contribution is part of the job but it is NOT the job. Indeed, raising a son can present many challenges—it ought to. However a father’s God given role is to invest in his own son’s character and growth.  (Eph 6v4)

Thus far I have contended that a son is in need of more than the mere physical or financial presence of their fathers.  I encourage fathers (Haitian) to consider a different measuring rod to assess good fathering. Perhaps your son’s career success, devotion to the Lord and clean legal history are areas that you point to in assessing your job as a father. Consider your son’s having no meaningful emotional connection with you, your son enduring the emotional and psychological pain of learning manhood on his own because you(father) was not a credible and faithful example in the home. Is it safe to say then that this son grew up without a father despite his physical presence in the home? In addition, this article is not an indictment but an attempt to share some meaningful perspective on this dilemma.  I believe Eph 6v4 is the better measuring rod.

Sondy Cadeau