Lack of Fathering

Previously published Jan 10, 2013

My hope in writing this article is to bring some light and discussion into the topic of fathers and their relationship with their children. While it would have been fitting for this article to have been published in June, I realize that the topic is one that is timeless. In choosing to expound on the concerns that I have about church going fathers and their relationship with their families, I only wish to foster awareness and discussions on the matter of family—namely fathers and their God given role in their son’s lives. 

Often when the discussion of sons being raised without a father is brought up in a secular or biblical setting, it is generally assumed to be about single parent homes.  While this is the common understanding, I don’t believe the definition above truly defines and encompasses some of the core significance behind this dilemma.  The prime concern with the definition above is that it reduces fatherly duties to the simple act of being physically or financially present.  Embracing the definition above, fathers are prone to assume they are exempt and are fulfilling their fatherly calling base on the premise that they are physically present in the home despite being fundamentally absent from their fatherly duties. The dilemma of sons growing up without a father is much more involved than that.  Thus physical/financial presence is not a good measuring rod.

In our Haitian culture, fathers commonly take great pride in providing for their children.  They are generally intentional about assuring the physical wellbeing of their children. This is often listed as one of the strengths of most Haitian parents—especially in the school settings.  It is likely that one of you reading this article remember your parents telling you “I pay the bills, give you food and shelter. What more do you need?” This is an identified strength and is well appreciated among Haitian fathers.  However, a son’s character is not molded and shaped merely by a father who prides in his physical/financial availability to his son. Too often fathers neglect the moral, emotional and spiritual well being of their sons.  This indeed marks the dilemma of our churches today.

The moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons should not be left to probability or chance. Sons have a God’s given void/gap that God designed to be filled by their fathers. Hugging your 5 year old son, praying over him, taking the time to ask him about his day or taking him on a dad and son trip etc are small early gestures that resonates well with sons’ desire to feel close to their dad.  If there is an ever sounding cry in the heart of a son, it is his dire need for emotional and spiritual nourishment from his father.   It is not the duty of pastors or church leaders to shape the moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons that do not belong to them.   Being physically/financially committed to your sons is a means and not an end.  Your presence and financial contribution is part of the job but it is NOT the job. Indeed, raising a son can present many challenges—it ought to. However a father’s God given role is to invest in his own son’s character and growth.  (Eph 6v4)

Thus far I have contended that a son is in need of more than the mere physical or financial presence of their fathers.  I encourage fathers (Haitian) to consider a different measuring rod to assess good fathering. Perhaps your son’s career success, devotion to the Lord and clean legal history are areas that you point to in assessing your job as a father. Consider your son’s having no meaningful emotional connection with you, your son enduring the emotional and psychological pain of learning manhood on his own because you(father) was not a credible and faithful example in the home. Is it safe to say then that this son grew up without a father despite his physical presence in the home? In addition, this article is not an indictment but an attempt to share some meaningful perspective on this dilemma.  I believe Eph 6v4 is the better measuring rod.

Sondy Cadeau