Parents' Limitations: God-Centered vs Parent-Centered

Consider the biblical duty of parents toward their children. Parents are instructed to raise their children in the wisdom of the lord so that when they grow they do not depart from it. They are instructed to influence their character from birth in assuring that they understand biblical principles with the clear indication that children will eventually grow and parents' realm of influence will eventually diminish. This is not an easy job but the implication behind raising a child is clearly "God-centered" and not "parents' centered". Thus children are best raised by keeping this end in mind which is to raise children in the discipline of the Lord for God's glory and purpose.  This does not necessarily mean that children who are raised in such are bound to become flawless and God lovers.  Thus we see that devoted parents who bring up their children in Godly principles are not promised godly children.  The closest example to this is that of Lucifer revolting against God in heaven.  The amount of pastors and devoted believers in one family is not enough to raise a Godly child.

The limitation in parents' ability to influence their children is an idea that is often ignored and not fully explored.   Perhaps it is rooted in the general pride that most Haitian families assume in raising children. Or perhaps it is rooted in a culture that does not pride in admitting faults and limitations.  Families are taught early on to see their children as a mirror reflection and work very hard to assure children represent them well in deeds and actions.  Haitian culture provides a lot of incentive for parents to overcompensate their limitations by assuming full responsibilities for their children's growth and discipline. Parents are publicly praised and honored when their child achieve great success and are active in church even when some of the success is in spite of the parents' influence.  Conversely, there is no incentive in acknowledging parent's limitations and how it periodically increases as children age.  

Without a sincere grasp on this reality, most families  often become extremely frustrated, frazzled,  hopeless, depressed and feel a great sense of failure when they realize that their perceived influence on a child's life was a mere mirage and the child's sinful behavior is publicly exposed.  This often leads to physical, mental, spiritual and emotional disturbances. This sense of self-depreciation is often a result of immense disappointment in how one's family will be perceived in the community and not that a holy God has been offended.  It is rarely perceived as families' own limitation on the lives of children who are SINNERS.

Parents' limitation on their child is not merely an indication of parents need to depend on the Lord.  It is the indication that every child is the Lord's and children's obedience to God's standard is supremely more valuable than children's allegiance and obedience to parent/culture standards.  It is the realization that when devoted parents have done all in their power to influence their child in the knowledge of God; they still yet have to rely on a limitless God who can save and influence children bred in sin.  Limitations shouldn’t dismiss parents' responsibility to influence and discipline their child in the Lord; rather it should simply inform and dictate it by prioritizing children's obedience and growth in the love for God as the main priority in raising children. Parents' limitation is the incentive that should compel mothers and fathers to boast in their weaknesses/limitation; to surrender their children to the Lord above all things and quit raising a child to reflect and appease one's outlook in the community.  After all, aren’t all that is in heaven and earth the Lord's?

In hearing some of the topics discussed and reviewed by concerned parents during the February's weekend seminar, it's evident that families are seeking answers for their children.  Parents are concerned about their son turning into responsible men and their daughters becoming women of virtue and integrity.  It is helpful to consider that limited parents cannot and will never influence their children on their own. It is helpful to consider that only God can save and protect and that the earth is the Lord and all that is in it. In parents recognizing and coming to grip with their own limitations, the hope is that they will learn to rely more on God's ability to move their children.

Sondy C 

Lack of Fathering

Previously published Jan 10, 2013

My hope in writing this article is to bring some light and discussion into the topic of fathers and their relationship with their children. While it would have been fitting for this article to have been published in June, I realize that the topic is one that is timeless. In choosing to expound on the concerns that I have about church going fathers and their relationship with their families, I only wish to foster awareness and discussions on the matter of family—namely fathers and their God given role in their son’s lives. 

Often when the discussion of sons being raised without a father is brought up in a secular or biblical setting, it is generally assumed to be about single parent homes.  While this is the common understanding, I don’t believe the definition above truly defines and encompasses some of the core significance behind this dilemma.  The prime concern with the definition above is that it reduces fatherly duties to the simple act of being physically or financially present.  Embracing the definition above, fathers are prone to assume they are exempt and are fulfilling their fatherly calling base on the premise that they are physically present in the home despite being fundamentally absent from their fatherly duties. The dilemma of sons growing up without a father is much more involved than that.  Thus physical/financial presence is not a good measuring rod.

In our Haitian culture, fathers commonly take great pride in providing for their children.  They are generally intentional about assuring the physical wellbeing of their children. This is often listed as one of the strengths of most Haitian parents—especially in the school settings.  It is likely that one of you reading this article remember your parents telling you “I pay the bills, give you food and shelter. What more do you need?” This is an identified strength and is well appreciated among Haitian fathers.  However, a son’s character is not molded and shaped merely by a father who prides in his physical/financial availability to his son. Too often fathers neglect the moral, emotional and spiritual well being of their sons.  This indeed marks the dilemma of our churches today.

The moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons should not be left to probability or chance. Sons have a God’s given void/gap that God designed to be filled by their fathers. Hugging your 5 year old son, praying over him, taking the time to ask him about his day or taking him on a dad and son trip etc are small early gestures that resonates well with sons’ desire to feel close to their dad.  If there is an ever sounding cry in the heart of a son, it is his dire need for emotional and spiritual nourishment from his father.   It is not the duty of pastors or church leaders to shape the moral, emotional and spiritual character of sons that do not belong to them.   Being physically/financially committed to your sons is a means and not an end.  Your presence and financial contribution is part of the job but it is NOT the job. Indeed, raising a son can present many challenges—it ought to. However a father’s God given role is to invest in his own son’s character and growth.  (Eph 6v4)

Thus far I have contended that a son is in need of more than the mere physical or financial presence of their fathers.  I encourage fathers (Haitian) to consider a different measuring rod to assess good fathering. Perhaps your son’s career success, devotion to the Lord and clean legal history are areas that you point to in assessing your job as a father. Consider your son’s having no meaningful emotional connection with you, your son enduring the emotional and psychological pain of learning manhood on his own because you(father) was not a credible and faithful example in the home. Is it safe to say then that this son grew up without a father despite his physical presence in the home? In addition, this article is not an indictment but an attempt to share some meaningful perspective on this dilemma.  I believe Eph 6v4 is the better measuring rod.

Sondy Cadeau