One of the reasons I wrote "under the microscope"
relates to an ongoing personal struggle of mine. There is a type of frustration
where one is able to genuinely engage and actively serve his/her home church.
Yet there is another kind of frustration that can turn toxic and negatively
impact one's service. Both frustrations are contingent on the perception or
interpretation of progress/change or lack thereof. An argument can be
made that one should silence any discomfort or frustration when it comes to
serving his/her church. It has been argued that serving in in of itself should
surpass all discomfort and/or frustration. This is the "tough it
out" approach I held up until the middle of last year (2014). This
approach while appearing appropriate can become problematic particularly when
someone is serving in leadership capacities.
I can say for the past few months I have moved toward a particular
frustration where I am no longer able to genuinely engage and actively
participate in leadership capacities. This has led to an indefinite sabbatical
that some believe is not necessary. The truth is I am frustrated with the
personality of my home church. I have been for several years and it has been
leading me to look introspectively into myself and also my church. I
don’t want to lead worship simply to fulfil a need for my church or because I
do it well; particularly when I am conflicted and frustrated with her. I
believe she deserves such respect. If I am not "all in" I rather pass
on my uniform to the next dedicated team member. Furthermore I don't
believe the work of the Lord should be taken this lightly.
This is my willingness to allow many to see me under the
microscope. My embracing of transparency has drawn me to rely more
on the strength and perfection of Christ than my own. I have been learning that
I don’t have to exert all my energy on appearing or taking a form of strength
and perfection. It is much easier and less cumbersome to let Christ be my
strength and perfection. This past year I have learned that despite
my individual efforts, I have not been able to abandon a performance oriented
way of interpreting the gospel; especially in the mist of my home church.
I morph my personality to be one that shelters/hides individual weaknesses and
shortcomings. This leads me to look down on others that I perceive to be spiritually weak and lacking. It becomes imperative
for me to look to part even at the expense of self-deception. In the end I live with no actual realization
of the gospel of love and grace. I see God's love and acceptance as something
that is earned through performance rather than freely given through the perfect
work of his son. In addition, the power and splendor of the gospel of
Christ is limited in my life.
One of the points that I attempted to make in "under the
microscope"(part 1) is that a church that is oblivious to the several
factors that impacts its perception and application of the gospel will have no
desire to daily assess herself and submit problematic areas to her chief's potter;
namely Christ. The same applies to a church that is aware but doesn't regularly
acknowledge and submit herself and those influencing factors under Christ's
microscope. What I failed to argue is how such disposition vicariously
perpetuates and inhabits her members. My plea is for more open
conversation and acknowledgement of the influential factors that informs the
church's interpretation and application of the gospel. The Haitian
culture is known to be critical and punitive. Furthermore the culture is also
known to harbor a type of pride and several vices that can become destructive.
Becoming a Christian does not render one immune to these factors but rather allow one to openly acknowledge and submit them under Christ for daily chiseling. To
blindly ignore the influence of culture and personal experiences on one's
application of the gospel is self-deception at its best.
Yet the beauty of the love of God is its ability to regularly and
efficiently surface shortcomings in order for recipients to respond; very much like a microscope making the tiniest things visible to the naked eye. One
way I have responded to my performance oriented way is by daily acknowledging
that God's love is not something that I earn or perform for. I acknowledge that
there is no freedom in pretending and hiding shortcomings for the sake of appearing
"well put together". I am learning
to cherish God as a father that I can openly share my deepest shortcomings to
in prayer. I use opportunities to acknowledge that I am frustrated
with my home church but also remind myself that I am not too far different from
her. I above all need to remain under God's microscope and respond to His love daily.
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